Finding myself

by Thomas
(Pennsylvania)

About 5 years ago I was in a relationship in which I was subject to all forms of abuse; being a guy I was embarrassed to seek any help. I was cut off from family, friends, even my own child. I had no car, no job, nothing because this woman imprisoned me. The only thing I had was alcohol.

I had reached a point where I didn't want to live any more and tried to take my own life; I was admitted to the hospital where I was diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety, and bi-polar... thankfully I was free from this relationship, but the scars would continue to haunt me.

I started drinking more and became very negative, my behavior became reckless. Than I met a wonderful woman who made my life happy and even though we were just friends I was thinking more positively; then bad things began to happen - I found I was homeless, without a job, etc...

I reverted back to the negative attitude, and began drinking heavily; the girl didn't even want to be around me because of my negative thoughts toward everything. Then this past week I did something to her that scared me and made me realize that I want to be happy again, first and foremost for myself. I acted like a jealous boyfriend because she wanted to go out and have some time to think; my behavior toward her was appalling, and embarrassing, I was ashamed of myself and gave her some space, we have begun talking again and I thank god for that, because I don't want to lose a friend.

I also realized that before anything I need to fix myself... I'm on that road, first to attend AA meetings, than to start exercising, and start looking at life in a more positive light. Finally I'm going to confront the ghosts of my past, so that I can have a better future for me.